Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The MCBias Cold Cuts Club: Now Accepting New Members

The inspiration for this satire (for those of you who need the definition) is brought to you via this post. You may want to read it first or you won't get it. I couldn't resist a little follow-up to properly pay my respects to that gem.

Throughout Moderately Cerebral Bias' four-year (and counting) history, the bulk of our stories have come from various news items, the mistakes of other writers, and my own creativity. Unfortunately, I've been too rude and unreliable to gain many reader tips and sources, but that should change. My best, most reliable sources of blog shenanigans become members of what we like to call "The MCBias Cold Cuts Club!"



Right now, I count 2 active followers (and there may be more on RSS!) including popular bloggers, current and former sports blog commenters, that one guy on Twitter who hopelessly flirts with porn stars and thinks his observations about sports are original, and other movers and shakers of Web 2.0! In exchange for their throwing me a few links and pretending that my writing isn't pedantic mush, they become, in some ways, privileged figures in the MCBias universe (because a mere blogosphere is never enough!). And since the site is growing, it's time to extend the threat, err, opportunity to others.

Here's what MCBias Cold Cuts Club Members get:

* Any tips or gossip related to their sports blogging ineptitude (or their friends) will be shared with them first before they hit the site in any full-blown capacity. For example, if we receive a tip that a Cold Cuts Club member (or acquaintance) typed up a illogical post, or maybe hit on a female fan of their blog on twitter and DM'ed photos of their, um, writing utensil, or created a Youtubable moment at Blogging With Balls by explaining that most of their content is "borrowed" from Bleacher Report, or by their racist/homophobic blog perspective revealed their sheltered upbringing and the fact that the only minority they've ever talked to was the butler, he or she will be informed and will have the opportunity to respond, and in some cases the item will be dropped altogether. (Cases such as Frost Warnings in Hell and aerodynamic lighter-than-air swine come up fairly often! Trust me!). (Likewise, if a scurrilous item is picked up by another publication, Cold Cuts Club members will be granted a platform on our site to tell their side to tens, no HUNDREDS of readers). We would never blindside a source, as we follow the same code of conduct approved by the sports blogging leader.

You'd be amazed at how much peace of mind can be gained from knowing that some guy is going to trash your Technorati search responses before it shows up in your Google Alerts. SEO is Critical? SEO is Critical.

* On occasion, certain Cold Cuts Club members will be tipped off with information that could give them a jump-start on the competition. I offer links from a variety of obscure sources such as espn.com and USAToday, and I know you can use such hard-to-find information. I know how frustrating it is for bloggers to play catch-up on stories that they weren't spoon-fed by an eager tipster and how hard that "original reporting thing" can be when you're stuck blogging from a couch. I understand that you're no doubt stuck in some remote area where no news is happening, instead of, say, New York City. You get to make that choice. Now of course, you may wonder what information I could have to offer when I only have two followers and I'm openly begging for tips. I refer you to thescientific explanation: and ask you to get in at the top. You'll soon find that we can handle much more than tips and have the length and breadth to deal with all your stories, no matter how squalid or repugnant. What can I say? We have no reservations! All spaces are open! If you eject, we don't reject! We promise to never steal your tip without compensating you, once again following industry leader approved rules of conduct.

* For out-of-towners, we offer free coupons from Subway for a variety of cold cuts sandwiches, and also some Chucky Cheese toys and coupons left over from my 10th birthday party. I think they're still good. You may wonder why, if this program is aimed at sports blogging elite as the first point seemed to indicate, that I could sway such wealthy patrons with the promises of merely a free meal. Am I too lazy to split my three offers for three obviously very different categories into three separate posts, and come up with three different club names, or even one original club name? Do I think that "market segmentation" is something you do with a butterknife at a flea market? Wait, don't answer that.

My response is that anyone who would sign up for this program is obviously a cheap trick anyway, and DON'T HIT THAT BACK BUTTON BARRY, OR I SO WILL WRITE A 5000 WORD EXPOSE ABOUT THAT BAD JDATE OUTING LAST WEEK. I'M SOLICITING ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO MAY KNOW ANYTHING...err, sorry about that. Bad aftertaste from one of our Cold Cut sandwiches, got me upset. Just a preview from an upcoming column if certain people don't join. Totally voluntary!

All potential Cold Cuts Club applications should be submitted to me, MCBias, via opportunitynotthreatpromise@gmail.com. Subject: I Still Believe in Santa Too

What's stopping you? "Be cold or get cut!" Act now.

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